


The Winchester Tapes Two

by LuciusMalfoy



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 17:46:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuciusMalfoy/pseuds/LuciusMalfoy





	The Winchester Tapes Two

"Hello dear Mom and Dad as well as my beloved little sister Honoria. It is with great joy that I received your last care package. The polar suit was a most welcome departure from the usual substandard manner of clothing to be found here and it gives me great pleasure to inform you that the most bitter winter I have ever had the misfortune to endure is now at an end."

"It is with great difficulty that I have found a few precious leisurely moments in which to bring you this message. The round-the-clock sessions in O.R. have been relentless in their complexity as well as their intensity and have left me little time for any matters of a personal nature."

"Having overcome the difficult adjustments necessary to perform meatball surgery I have encountered a new found respect and admiration for the work my colleagues and I do here. With that said I find myself forced to elaborate upon and condemn a few members of my available company and their flagrant disregard for the sanctity of the operating room. Between Captain Pierce's near constant disregard when it comes to matters of basic decency and Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger's flagrant masquerading of female vestures and accompanying accoutrements about the compound I feel as if I am in a living nightmare."

"I find that I am better able to endure this insanity when in the presence of one Major Margaret Houlihan whom aside from being a polite distraction from the struggles of the day to day goings on here, happens to be the best head nurse I have ever had the pleasure to work along side. If I were home in Boston I would see to it personally that she be appointed to the staff at Boston General. It is absolutely astonishing that a woman of her innate quality has contented herself with mere Army life."

"It is equally bewildering to behold her taste in company. One Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscot. Upon being forced to witness first hand his caddish behavior towards the head nurse it is quickly becoming almost more than I can bare to hold my tongue."

"Getting back to the long sessions in O.R. I have come to find that a man of the cloth by the name of Captain Father Francis Mulcahy is a constant presence, albeit an unnecessary one. While I find his prayers to be of no use to me his assistance in preparing the patients for the O.R. is invaluable."

"Working at this M*A*S*H has led me to become painfully aware of the vast medical advancements that stateside hospitals have to offer. Here it is truly a miracle that surgery is even able to be performed correctly, let alone with such an incredibly high success rate. Why just the other day our only generator fell prey to the pitfalls of shoddy mechanical engineering while we were in the O.R. Why not use our backup generator you say? Well it was only then we discovered that local black marketeers had broken into the generator shed and made away into the pitch black darkness of the night. Thankfully light was restored after a few tense minutes due to the efforts of Klinger and his enterprising adversary, Private Zelmo Zale. Speaking of those two, how shall I put this..., enlisted men they can often be found in the backroom of Rosie's bar, gambling away their meager earnings in a game of dice."

"I don't believe I have made mention of Rosie and her bar prior to now and to give you a more complete understanding of my circumstances here I find it necessary to give further details so as to aid your imagination. Rosie is a rather short woman. Short in stature and short in patience. She is a rather spirited woman who, due to her circumstances has found herself trying to run an establishment for which, fortunately, there is no equal be it in these parts or beyond."

"It is at her rather... peculiar institution that I found myself attempting to persuade our company clerk, Corporal Walter O'Reilly, to requisition me a new stylus for my record player in exchange for a beverage by the name of 'Grape Nehi'. My personal stylus having been ripped apart and thoroughly crushed to pieces by a delusional figure by the name of Colonel Flagg."

"If there were ever a textbook case for psychosis Colonel Flagg is certainly it. Upon his arrival at camp he came to the bizarre conclusion that Captain Pierce is a communist sympathizer. Among the many things that Pierce is a communist is not among them and along with the efforts of Captain BJ Hunnicutt I was able to put an end to the deluded Colonel and his scheme to have Pierce thrown in jail. While the idea of Pierce making gravel at Leavenworth brings me great delight I find the idea of that incompetent Colonel Flagg being responsible for his being there distasteful to say the least. Despite the things that Pierce has put me through even he deserves better than to have that scoundrel be the one responsible for his removal from this God forsaken country."

"Speaking of my fellow surgeons I must admit that my initial impression of Captain Hunnicutt did not include mention of his numerous and immature practical jokes. It seems that no soul in camp is immune to his childish pranks. From what I understand his constant joking around has to do with his jealousy of the man he replaced here at this camp one Captain Trapper John. From what little I know of this Captain John I have come to understand that he is a fellow Bostonian although he is also a close friend of Captain Pierce which shows that the man is either out of his mind or that he was unaware of the real Captain Pierce."

"It seems that the legacy of past members of this outfit are among the more pervasive topics of conversation as I have come to learn about the man I replaced here, Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns. It seems that aside from being a terrible surgeon with poor leadership skills that he also had a fling with the head nurse despite being married. With that knowledge at hand I must form a preliminary conclusion that he was a man of poor standing and even poorer quality."

"Speaking of the nurses again my time in Post-Op is often spent answering mundane questions from Major Houlihan's nursing staff, particularly from a nurse by the name of Kellye Kealani."

"As in the O.R. Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt as well as Corporal O'Reilly see fit to attempt to undermine my authority at every turn. Earlier this morning it was brought to my attention that the captains had the corporal place a call to Major Sydney Freedman, a psychologist who although well meaning gives too much attention to soldiers who are clearly gold bricking as if their lives depend upon it. Major Freedman also joins several members of the staff, myself included, in a weekly poker game which is one of the scarce sources of recreation to be had in this miserable outfit aside from the Officer's Club."

"Regarding the Officer's Club I find myself visiting there often, not for the drinks or the drab decor but for the opportunity it affords me to remove myself from Pierce and Hunnicutt's presence. The furnishings are little more than makeshift tables and chairs, a picture of a scandalously dressed lady that the enlisted men refer to as 'Mona' and a jukebox in the back of the room which, unfortunately, has nothing in the way of classical music. I almost forgot to mention the piano that Father Mulcahy tortures on a weekly basis with his feeble attempts to string together a tune. The patrons are attended to by our mess tent cook, Private Igor Straminsky."

"Now that I mention it please see to it that you send me some proper foods upon which I may subsist. To call what the mess tent serves as food would be to imply that it is in any way, edible."

"I wish to come home as soon as possible. Surely there is something more that can be done to bring about my departure from this gutter of the orient! Colonel Sherman T. Potter the C.O. of this outfit has refused to even process a transfer request for heaven sakes. If only there were another man in charge. From what I understand the previous commanding officer, a Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, was a reasonable man and would have realized that my expertise and skill is far more suited to an appointment at a proper hospital instead of this, this, traveling medicine show!"

"Despite my ill contentment with my current circumstances I cannot escape the harsh truth that even when I finally manage to escape this purgatorial prison that I shall be unable to forget all of the death and destruction that I witness here on an almost daily basis and it is with utter sincerity that I count my blessings before I lay down to sleep at night and that I give thanks for my standing in life and that you, my loved ones, are safe at home instead of in a place like here. There are no words to express how I feel but please, know this, I love you all. ~ Charles."


End file.
